A Different Chapter

It has been almost 10 years since I last posted.

Things got worse before they got better. Rereading my posts before I dropped off on posting, I already seemed to be aware of the issues and areas I needed to improve. I talked a lot about the need to quit depending on other people and eliminating toxic people from my life but I never followed through although I tried.

Life had a way of intervening and forcing me to realize the consequences of depending on toxic people. And maybe I will share those gory details another day.

But for now, I would like to share how far I have come. Everything I went through motivated me to better my life. I finally returned to school in 2016. I finished my bachelors degree in psychology in December of 2017. I started my master’s in social work in January 2018 and graduated December 2019 with a 4.0 GPA. I started working on my PhD in gerontological social work in August 2020. I am now working on my dissertation and plan to graduate in May 2024 with a 3.9 GPA. I have worked as a professional research assistant in geriatric medicine for a large hospital for 2 years. I have co-authored 20 academic journal articles.

For those that are struggling to find their way or feel as if it will never get better, I want to encourage you to persevere. Dig deep and have faith that all the pain, disappointments, and setbacks will shape your future in positive ways that you never could imagine.

If you look back at my older posts–in 2014, I was reeling from separating from my ex-husband and grieving my father who was violently murdered. As I said, things got worse before they got better. For me, going to school gave me purpose and I became passionate about helping older adults and their family caregivers with dementia. For you, your “happy ever after” might look very different. I knew I was on the right track when I felt peace, content, and passion all at once. Whatever you do, don’t quit trying.

Good times…….for a change…..

I came to Colorado for a fresh start and a new beginning–that is true but the past has haunted me and lingered around for what has seemed like years instead of months. These negative emotions have really held me back and I have been kinda miserable since I have moved here. The month of January, I  really started rearranging my life–eliminating stressors, exercising, eating so much better and crying almost on a nightly basis. I have been battling depression for quite a while–the past 2 years have been really dark ever since I split from my ex but all my emotions have been especially amplified the past few months. While everyone was making their resolutions about quitting smoking and going on their diets–I did some really hard thinking about what it would take for me to be happy.

At first–thinking about what made me happy almost gave me feelings of panic because I didn’t know. I corrected my diet and exercise because I know these are vital steps towards happiness but I just couldn’t come up with an answer to my personal happiness. It wasn’t a lover, it wasn’t to be skinny, it wasn’t for a new car, I felt like I wanted to relocate but couldn’t come up with a destination, returning to school crossed my mind a few times….I was really beginning to lose my sense of purpose which I state in my last blog post. It took me about 2 or 3 weeks of asking myself “what is it going to take to make me happy?” before anything solid began to emerge. My question eventually changed into “what is making me so unhappy right now?”

And as I looked at the forces and things in my life that caused me stress, I began to pinpoint things that I no longer wanted to deal with and set about to eliminate them. If nothing else it would make me happy not to have those negative aspects in my day to day life right? Not by running away as I always do but actually dealing with them and I have to tell you–I’m feeling kinda wonderful right now.

I never imagined it would give me such confidence as it has, feelings of confidence have led to feelings of strength which have led to feelings of knowing thyself. Some of the changes I made were extreme but in the end I think I made the right call. I took time off from work so that I could deal with these things properly–it takes time to clean up your life after all ;)–and now that I feel that I have the major problems at hand addressed–I am now eliminating things that give me a sense of overwhelming. And pampering. I really feel like pampering yourself helps establish feelings of self worth–if you don’t look like shit, there are greater chances you don’t feel like shit right? I colored my hair and bought a pair of pants that actually fit and have been taking some very long, relaxing, hot baths.

I feel very centered as a result of all these changes in my life. I feel as if I have established some new lifelong habits–my whole way of thinking has drastically changed. I feel like I can think clearly!

And on this full moon, as I write this blog post, drowsy with sleep–I am very optimistic about this upcoming year and the people I have currently surrounding me in my life. Here’s to the year of the lion and to new starts.

Moving right along here

My father was murdered back in June of 2014. He was beaten for not paying back a debt and got a severe infection in his blood from the bruising. His face swelled where he was unable to breathe and he was placed on a respirator and breathing machine. He was on life support more or less for a week. The doctors never called it life support but when I went to the hospital that morning to visit, the Doctor caught me in the room and told me that he was not responding to the antibiotics. She asked what he would want to do. She said that he would have to be given a feeding tube and also that he would be sent to a nursing home most likely for the rest of his life if he were to even survive the infection.

So when given facts such as these and forced to ask myself what my dad would want–he had already basically told me since he had purposely not taken his medicine for a month prior. And it broke my heart. It overwhelmed me. Does overwhelm me to think about. We had an argument a month prior to his death and hadn’t been on speaking terms until he called me from the hospital.

He is the one, the parent that really understood how I thought and operated, who could talk sense to me and who I guess I kind of identified with. My mother and I are extremely close, similar to best friends that tell each other most everything…my father was pretty much deaf the last years of his life which made it difficult to have in depth conversations. He was the only one that ever would tell me that I wasn’t crazy. And I tended to believe him and know it to be true now. It hurts to think about the way he died, the pain and suffering he felt, it hurts to think about the details of the story and the ironies and the circumstances.

I moved to Colorado for a new start of sorts and I will not lie. It has been difficult. Heart breaking as well. Frustrating. I can speak about my fathers death without actually going there in my own mind and then sometimes I lay in bed crying till the wee hours of the morning. I do not seem to be amounting to much which I never really anticipated. But I am 30 now. 29 1/2. And it scares me to realize how little I have accomplished in my time that I have been given. I am waiting tables. And in debt. And not even divorced but SEPARATED and I have to tell you..it kind of makes me wonder what is the point? Wealth isn’t even that important but purpose. I long for purpose.

I can’t really answer what the point is but I do know deep in my gut that impressive things can still happen although most days I am skeptical that they will. I feel jaded in most regards but still have some sort of fight, or hope or something I believe to be possible so I trudge on. And these friends that come in and out of my life–it is so nice to meet them and get to know them and yes it is unfortunate the way life pulls us along our own paths but the friends a long the way–they fill my heart with love and I sincerely hope I touch their hearts as well. I love deeper now that I have no significant other to love than I ever was capable of encompassing earlier in my life. And that is a lonely feeling.

excerpts from the vaults….

This one was written when I was 17. My inspiration was a picture I had taken of a leaf during fall that had dew on it.

dew. clear on a red star. leaf. sidewalk cement. 2D square. far away floor. arm. it is my only. myself. mine. glide. clear on a red star. she. on a silhouette side. walk.               ..  as I.

small but clear blue. rise.  Like an open door to glide about spinning in the hustle bustle downtown. I being quite aware of cuts that won’t close. do wish to thank those responsible. changed names to imply guilt. protect nothing and serve the what people? of who I. myself am quiet. hush. children-the phone rings in like a magnet. sons and daughters. the t.v. loathe. is the needle on the record? scratches now, then returns responsibly. the nobody movement transversion sonata. kiss. clear on a sunday morning. promise you hide. but hidden for me. on a yellow sun blue morning day.                                …so that. you can trace a red star. across my cement mind. 3D. time. alone. left to be conquered. by a picture in my hand. and order in the silhouette. dew of real. life.

I realize that here lately I have been whining a lot and feeling sorry for myself–I have had the blues but that is no excuse to continually host a pity party. A lot of my misery is the result of poor decisions I have made in the past where I more or less didn’t think about the consequences.

I am a creative person and when I feel creatively blocked which is how I have felt these past 6 months, I think that leads a lot to my unhappiness. When I am consistently creating things that I am proud of, I feel productive and accomplished. This may seem like a trite little thing but it is an integral part of my being and the fact that I have neglected these needs are probably a large part to do with my current mindset.

The loneliness that I feel from being single, really gets the best of sometimes. I do fine for a while but then I meet someone and the company feels nice and sometimes it ends up sucking me into a not so great situation. So I have to be strong, I don’t need a boyfriend and I am not looking for a husband but sometimes, I remember the feeling of being in love and I crave it.  My judgement feels really cloudy right now.

Well, good pep talk. Time to bring this to a close.

All Things Repeated

I am filled with anger once again. It is anger for myself more than anything I suppose that I can’t seem to get it right.  Seriously becoming open to the idea that I have some sort of horrible karmic energy surrounding me. But I am going to shake it off. I have no idea how or what that entails but I know if I am doing everything to my best ability, it’s gonna work out. That’s all you can ever do.

Just to get back to being ME instead of this person that has been so influenced by all these outside forces and I swear, it’s been so long that I don’t remember how I use to do it. I use to be aloof and headstrong and INDEPENDENT. I just can’t wrap my mind how night and day different I am now compared to the ghost of what I was.

So today, gonna get off work and go run. Gonna run till my chest expands and burns so bad for need of more air and then I am gonna run some more. I want to be winded. I want to relax. And then I am gonna go buy War and Peace and I am going to read that humongous book and withdraw into my head till I reemerge with the ability to deal with the majority.

It’s a flower buddin’

I heard something quoted by a monk or something–can’t quite remember where it is from but I find myself repeating it a lot here lately. “Those that think about the past are depressed, Those that think about the future are anxious but those that think about the present are at peace.”

Dallas is not where my heart is. I think about when my ex and I lived in other cities and how great our weekend getaways use to be. A great weekend back in the day would involve waking up late on a Saturday, making coffee and then adventuring out together. Sometimes we would take a trip for the weekend. We were spontaneous. There were many times we would decide on a Saturday morning to drive to the beach for the weekend. I would drive his huge work truck and he would just listen to me ramble. I would talk and talk and talk and yes sometimes he was bored but he always just let me talk. And he would pay attention. And I appreciated that. I would play my music and sing and he would read a magazine.

It was so EASY. Things were so normal and ordinary they were boring most of the time but at least I had company through the boredom even if I didn’t realize it.

He was kind and supportive even though I took that for granted a lot of times. He was a special individual. He was so funny and had such bad anxiety about meeting people but usually people clicked with him more than they did with me. He would give anyone a chance, he would listen to things that you told him even if he couldn’t remember the details or your name a few minutes later. He was a mess. He had a good heart. We were always in agreement about matters of the heart.

We grew apart and continue to grow apart as obviously we aren’t together anymore. I do not find myself guilty for the things that have happened but I see the part I played. We really loved each other and there was a period of time that I was thrilled to be alive and to have him in my life. I took pride in being married to him. I want that feeling again.

One day I will feel like that again, hopefully. But for now, I just want a space. I will go out with friends or have them over. I will make new friends. I will develop new habits. I will leave this crossroads behind.

human behavior

So the holidays are over and I feel pretty relieved. Thanksgiving was great, Christmas was pretty hard emotionally and I wasn’t able to afford presents which I realize is not what Christmas is about but I really enjoy giving so I was pretty bummed about that. New Years Eve was just another day/night really.

The few times I have written on this blog the past 6 months or so I have been writing about how I want to just be independent really from depending on others to lift my mood. I talk about it a lot but I keep committing the same mistakes.

So, back in October my ex-husband and I tried to work things out which lasted for 1 month exactly. He fell back off the sober wagon and I just don’t want the rest of my life to be this roller coaster of things are great/things really suck bc he is using again and ruining both our lives. If you have never had to deal with an addict, I don’t think you can fully wrap your mind around how hard it is to just turn your back on them. Yes, drugs are bad. Yes, they make people do bad things. But if you knew those people prior to their addiction and you know how good a heart they have/had–you see the substance controlling them and their actions and you just get this mentality that if they can just sober up everything will be like it was.

That isn’t the case though.

It is a really hard lesson to learn.

My ex-husband had been sober for a few months and we had been talking on the phone as friends and I was extremely proud of him and so happy to hear him talking like himself again. But he ended up losing his job and went back to his old habits almost instantly. I got it in my head that I could prevent it from getting really bad like it was before if I could convince him to go rehab. He ended up calling and begging me to take him to rehab so I didn’t hesitate, I went and picked him up from west texas.

I never anticipated it would be so hard to find him help. I thought it would be the same as mental health and we would be able to find him a free place but the rehab facilities available for low income were based off last years income and he made good money last year. The ones that would take anyone seemed more like a prison. And the nice ones cost an arm and a leg. That was a hopeless feeling. He started going to NA meetings frequently, we began to run a mile everyday and he started making juices from vegetables and fruits. But I guess the monkey on his back got the better of him and eventually one night, he ended up taking my car while I was asleep and got high. He was up for 3 days after that and it was like a nightmare so I had to face facts and just walk away.

I know that I look at myself now and I don’t resemble anything I recognize. I work part time at a clothing store and make pennies. I haven’t finished school, I haven’t done anything responsible for a really long time.

PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

Star Gazing at My Love

I wrote this in my journal today and thought it was worth sharing….

I am just going to type it exactly as I wrote it originally because I like the honesty and simplicity of it.

“I am reminded of the girl that day I saw at Slab Creek. I sat on top of the waterfall, watching the water fall off the upper level and foam at the bottom and the current pull the water out towards the main fork of the river. And I saw me-I was so happy and complete. I had so much understanding and compassion.At the timeit was something to strive for. Because I still had anger and hurt in me that hadn’t left my insides. But I loved the way it felt when I saw myself so free and clean. I never forgot her.

I am still striving for towards her. I might always be striving but the anger and hurt is less and less. My understanding is in check by my acceptance of the way this life presents itself. Sometimes you don’t end up the winner but sometimes you recieve joy, small encouragemetns from the universe. Sometimes big smiles from the expansive life force that binds the pure of heart with all that is equally whole in nature. Sometimes I feel apart of that. It is amazing to behold, in the past I would jump up and down it would make me feel so alive, I made noise but now I feel more humbled. I feel speechless my body wants to move around but I crouch down as low as I can and listen to the peace.

My head is not always a pleasant place. I guess the extreme opposite of these wholly filling emotions are sometimes more of what I feel in connection with. It sickens me. My life force quits and dies. And I have this horrible tendency to look to other people for a solution.

But they are not who I should look to. They offer no comfort or peace. They never will. And that is  a fact. So when I get up on the saddle and I feel like I am riding high and can see all the lovelies in their appropriate positions- when my vision and perceptions are clear, I wonder how does it stay like this forever?!?

I don’t forget the beauty at any point though.

There is beauty in pain as well-

but I live on everytime-

and feel so much more capable every day of being a healthier person.”

I am done letting all these selfish, uninspiring, disgusting leeches suck the life force from me. Honestly. It’s time to get some shit done. I am breaking away from the pack. I am not bitter, I have no grudges with anyone, I have taken the past week to say good-byes in my heart and commit to rewriting my future.

I say re-writing my future because I know for a fact that we truly do create our reality. That is a huge concept. I finally get it.

And I know what I want and I’m not going to sit around saying “I want to do this”–I am just going to do it.

Maybe you have been in a race before. And maybe the opponent was not really a threat–you knew you would win before it began. So you didn’t really try. And maybe you actually ended up losing but it wasn’t because of your capability, it was because you flat out didn’t try. Because you didn’t need to prove it to yourself.

I have gone thus far in life not even competing.

My passion is not writing or drawing or any one thing in particular–my passion is just quite simply…my imagination.

Edmund Burke said “There is a boundary to men’s passions when they act from feelings; but none when they are under the influence of imagination.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that my imagination is about to be revealed in a very big way. And that is the only promise I can guarantee.